“There is always something to lose. But maybe more to gain.”

I just cam home from my workshops with "problematic" youngster i occasionally work with. We end up talking about homeless people. Even thou the purpose of workshop was different. When i was leaving the school, they asked : "when are u coming again?" first few times when i started to work with them, were hard. I was kinda giving up, they didnt listen anything, they just didnt care about anything. They didnt even want to meet me, to know my name and basic shit. It was like, well being here is pointless. And i was thinking what can i do? The easy way would be to say to my boss i wont work with them anymore. (its nature of my work here i can say this) and then i started to think, why i am here today? Why i come that far? Being able to moved to other country, to travel, to study, to live, to love...why? Because when i needed support i got it. Especially being to honest to say i was problematic kid most of time. My parents they didnt give up. Never! And this is why I am here. So the answer to my question was clear. I wont give up. I will be there, with and for them. Without ever trying to changed them. And today after few months i realized, to taking the bit harder way is worth it. It is not about changing people, it is not about forcing things, its more about trying to understand, being open and show your own mistakes and fears, well to share in general. Today they made me happy, just by simple question. Showing me they want to spend time with me. Of course in life i will fall many more times, but this are small moments, that show me, im on the right way. I am living my dreams. Step by step. Finding out what i really want to do in my life. Falling and flying.

Last weeks i was bit depressed lets say. Just because my life came to point, where things are getting harder. Where life decisions are about to take. Well is not easy, especially when I need to decided about my future, not just about which country I am planing to visit next. When I think about my family, about my friends and all road ive done till now. But being able to make decision, to have an options already should make me happy, but obviously i need few weeks to realized that. There is many people around the world without that chance. Soo :)
Spending days feeling sorry to myself, because i have to decide something? Well no, not anymore. I dont want to forget how to smile!
Which ever road i take, is not going to be easy. Thats the only thing im sure about. And being close or being far away is something i have learned is not so important any more.
"Distance means so little, when someone means soo much" if im not happy by myself i can not make happy others. Thats is. And sometimes means being far away, follow your own dreams. I have learned that i am the only person i can really rely on. Going trough ups and downs...being disapointed by others so many times, just by trusting them is my own mistake.
So i am ready for new adventure. I made my decision. Today. No looking back, only looking forward.
Thank you Noora, for support and for believing in me. Now i start to believe in myself again!

I find a place where i want to live, at least for some years from now on. To learn and to grow. To prove to myself I can! To show to myself im worth it. To fight and to win. But especially to be.

Im finally calm.

Looking back or looking forward?

Thats the only thing on my mind lately :)

Today we start with this skiing holiday week, what means our youth center is open every day for kids and youngsters to enjoy their holidays doing different activities. Siting in the office looking directly into hall where two girls are running around and playing made me think about my childhood about the how we were spending holidays and bringing back memories about all this people we were going together trough that times...where they are? which road did they take? Remembering all our little moments when we disscuss about future, our wishes. Road of life normally takes us to the different places, to take different lesson... i was just wondering if there is a chance to meet all this people again, to make some event like childhood memories night, where we all would meet and remember our moments when we were just kids running and playing around...myb just a wish or realistic idea? I dont know, but i can try :)
This going back over and over again is starting to annoy me a bit. I know im always doing that in particular time, when i should be looking just forward. But is kinda my little escape like avoiding decisions i need to make. Yes, quilty as charged. But somehow this going back, pretending to be child again makes life easier at some point. Im always saying that little escapes are good. But when everything comes to a point when present becomes past is not good anymore. And i now is time  to focus on present, building the future.

Tell me something new :D "Sometimes you find yourself in the middle of the nowhere, but sometimes in the middle of the nowhere you find yourself"  story of my life i could say. My mother was always saying dont say things out to loud at the end you always do whatever you said u would never do :) soo back in 2013 i was travelling to Finland, just for a week to do European youth capital project in Helsinki. Short trip was nice, but really nothing special, my comment to was...whatever i think i will never go to Finland again. Not thinking too much about this country after i was doing my regular things back home, studies, work and travelling.

At some point i decided i wanna do this one year voluntary project somewhere in Europe. I was thinking about Austria or Germany, like still close to home so i can visit every month and i can learn german, one thing to do on my bucket list. Then i went to Japan, discovered totally new culture, that made me feel different and happy. Back to Slovenia some interesting project in Finland pop out. Hmm first thought was like no way, even though the project sound really good i wasnt really sure, and Finland is soo far away and there is no sun etc.. at the end im here. Living my dreams. I learned is not about the weather, is the thing i cant change. Is about me, my views and attitude towards life. I found sun inside of me, inside every smile i get from the kids and youngsters im working with. Even i found sun in dark places. In finnish nature, sometimes even in finnish food :) travelling and moving to other country has nothing in common. Now i can say. I kinda judge country based on one week experience, but i gave it second chance...and from now on yes everything and everybody deserve second chance...(ok not in every single case)...and i need to say second chance was f* worth. I have learned a lot, (not the language yet!), but i will, cause i want to. And i want to look forward with occasionally moments looking back, being happy to follow my dreams, and build my life, on different roads, that leads to different places and people :)
but the one thing i always will, i promise to myself! i will always carry one thing with me : SMILE :)

And yes dear readers from all over the world, i will make this event called "childhood memories night" and im sure it will turn into endless night :)

love, muri