Time flies....part I.
It has been a while, few years to be more precise, since I have wrote some personal blog. Meanwhile I did write few, but mostly connected to work. While you are busy making some other plans, life happens, they say. Thats what was happening to me, since 2015... life.
I really hope that the moment you realize, that you have reached the bottom, you can only go up from there. Cause I feel, that I am at the bottom. I just feel the urge to share all this feelings I have right now, cause if I let them go, maybe tomorrow I can start again?
Ones who were reading me in the past, encouraging me to write more, to follow my dreams, I know they will understand. I love to write. I always did. It was something very special to me, most vulnerable and same time most emotional and sincere part of me. My life dream was to write a book. And I actually started this journey back in 2010 (I have had about 150 pages)...but then as I said life happened. And the biggest lesson I got is, that time flies. And it is actually really scary thought. It is 2018... and I am looking for myself, for Petra, for the girl who used to smile, who used to to dream big, fly around the world, the girl who believed that can change this world into better place, fight for people who can not fight for them selves, for the girl, that nothing ever seemed to scary to her, not to try. It might sound very pathetic, but it is true. I want to help each and everyone in need.
4 months and 27 days. I can say that last 4 months and 27 days were the hardest, the most toughest days in my life. When I look back, I can only say I am proud of myself, that I managed and not break down. But I guess, now I did. Behind every smile, there was pain. I want to get out of this and come back stronger and better. Here I need to stop for a moment.
I can not continue now. It is still to hard to say this things out loud, even thou I want to let them go. But as my therapist said, I am not ready to let her go. Not yet.
Just to change topic and write about what was going on in past few years...
My life definitely took 180 degree turn into some new direction few years ago. I left my home and went into unknown, moved to new country and since then I have been trying to build new life here. Well in certain ways I did succeed, but deep down I feel like I failed. Failed as a person I want to be. It is struggle, a real one. And I am proud of myself for taking this journey. It is simple, you can not have everything in life. Finland is a big piece of cake, that I can say for sure. I have my deepest respect to this country. I have meet amazing people here, but there are moments when I want to give up. To be honest I knew it from beginning it is not going to be easy, and I do not want to look for excuses (maybe I am looking for them)....
I think this blog is big mess, but I just want to write about so many topics (If I manage to write next one next week, not after few years), cause I feel that maybe through writing I can find my way back. Back to myself. Physically I do not know where I want to be. Maybe in Mexico, Finland, Slovenia?! No idea at the moment. But yeah, last few years kind of got lost somewhere in translation, I guess. Last 4 months and 27 days, I am completely lost. I thought I wont be writing about that, but now I know, I want and I need. I believe that many of you or nearly everyone have lost someone in their life. First few days I was in really weird shock state, where I thought that it is privilege to experience loss relatively late (at age of 28) in my case. Of course it is privilege, that I did not need to experience that before, but anyhow I will never be complete again.
..... When I was 4 years old (I heard this story so many times, it is impossible to forget).... I said to her, you will never die. Because if you die, I die. I said to her, when I was 4 years old. I did not die physically, but big part inside of me did. She was my hero since I can remember, she will always be. And I will never be completely at home again, because home was her.
...... (to be continued)
Us, her 80th birthday, 4th of July 2010
