Dolga pot domov/ A long way home/ Pitkä matka kotiin

Time flies....part I.

It has been a while, few years to be more precise, since I have wrote some personal blog. Meanwhile I did write few, but mostly connected to work. While you are busy making some other plans, life happens, they say. Thats what was happening to me, since 2015... life. 

I really hope that the moment you realize, that you have reached the bottom, you can only go up from there. Cause I feel, that I am at the bottom. I just feel the urge to share all this feelings I have right now, cause if I let them go, maybe tomorrow I can start again?

Ones who were reading me in the past, encouraging me to write more, to follow my dreams, I know they will understand. I love to write.  I always did. It was something very special to me, most vulnerable and same time most emotional and sincere part of me. My life dream was to write a book. And I actually started this journey back in 2010 (I have had about 150 pages)...but then as I said life happened. And the biggest lesson I got is, that time flies. And it is actually really scary thought. It is 2018... and I am looking for myself, for Petra, for the girl who used to smile, who used to to dream big, fly around the world, the girl who believed that can change this world into better place, fight for people who can not fight for them selves, for the girl, that nothing ever seemed to scary to her, not to try. It might sound very pathetic, but it is true. I want to help each and everyone in need. 

4 months and 27 days. I can say that last 4 months and 27 days were the hardest, the most toughest days in my life. When I look back, I can only say I am proud of myself, that I managed and not break down. But I guess, now I did. Behind every smile, there was pain. I want to get out of this and come back stronger and better. Here I need to stop for a moment. 

I can not continue now. It is still to hard to say this things out loud, even thou I want to let them go. But as my therapist said, I am not ready to let her go. Not yet. 

Just to change topic and write about what was going on in past few years...

My life definitely took 180 degree turn into some new direction few years ago. I left my home and went into unknown, moved to new country and since then I have been trying to build new life here. Well in certain ways I did succeed, but deep down I feel like I failed. Failed as a person I want to be. It is struggle, a real one. And I am proud of myself for taking this journey. It is simple, you can not have everything in life. Finland is a big piece of cake, that I can say for sure. I have my deepest respect to this country. I have meet amazing people here, but there are moments when I want to give up. To be honest I knew it from beginning it is not going to be easy, and I do not want to look for excuses (maybe I am looking for them)....

I think this blog is big mess, but I just want to write about so many topics (If I manage to write next one next week, not after few years), cause I feel that maybe through writing I can find my way back. Back to myself.  Physically I do not know where I want to be. Maybe in Mexico, Finland, Slovenia?! No idea at the moment. But yeah, last few years kind of got lost somewhere in translation, I guess. Last 4 months and 27 days, I am completely lost. I thought I wont be writing about that, but now I know, I want and I need. I believe that many of you or nearly everyone have lost someone in their life. First few days I was in really weird shock state, where I thought that it is privilege to experience loss relatively late (at age of 28) in my case. Of course it is privilege, that I did not need to experience that before, but anyhow I will never be complete again.  

..... When I was 4 years old (I heard this story so many times, it is impossible to forget).... I said to her, you will never die. Because if you die, I die. I said to her, when I was 4 years old. I did not die physically, but big part inside of me did. She was my hero since I can remember, she will always be. And I will never be completely at home again, because home was her.  

...... (to be continued) 

                                                   Us, her 80th birthday, 4th of July 2010

Kick off - Villages on move Baltic

Villages? Baltic? Move?

The project name is Villages on move Baltic and it simply means we will motivate villagers who live in rural areas around Baltic Sea to move and include more of HEPA (Health-enhancing physical activity) into their daily life. 

FIRST STOP: KICK OFF seminar: Kyyhkylä, Finland

Villages on move Baltic project, has started with kick off seminar in Kyyhkylä, Finland on Sunday 19^th of February 2017. First I would like to mention that location was amazing, "rural area" with historically important facilities, where we were having meetings. And where were sleeping, eating and went to sauna – one of the most important things if you are visiting Finland.

The atmosphere was good, since very beginning I fell in love with the place and people. On Sunday evening, we were setting up the conference room, to be ready for a long Monday and waiting for our partners from Denmark, Estonia, Latvia and Lithuania.

Should we shake hands or hug? This question often cross my mind during international projects. When you meet someone for the very first time, for example in Slovenia, we shake hands. Luckily, I was travelling a lot around the world, so I got many hugs on first meetings as well :) but this time I went with shaking hands and it turns out that I will get a lots of hugs just two days after.

After registration and formalities, we went for a dinner and tried to get to know each other. Some of the participants already knew each other from previous collaborations on international projects. And the others that have not meet before were excited to get new international friends. But on the first evening we were not really into party all night long mood, we were all tired, so we went to sleep relatively early, anyway next day was starting at 7 a.m.

Monday 20^th of February, 7.20 a.m.

 Calm Finnish music was playing in the lobby and 2 Finnish ladies, 2 Danish gentlemans, 2 Danish ladies, 2 Lithuanian ladies, 1 Latvian lady, 2 Estonian ladies and me (Slovenian lady, with Finnish flag around my neck) were doing morning exercises before breakfast. Thank you Mari, for soft wake up. It felt that everyone enjoyed as much as myself. 

Breakfast, too much food. Again. We had short chat with one of the Estonian ladies, that this seminars always makes you feel fat. I guess it is all about hotel buffet food and hungry eyes :) well anyway no worries we just had sport activities before.

Around 8 a.m. seminar began. In this blog I wont go into details about #villagesonmove project, I will just write shortly about the experience and if you would like to know more about the project, feel free to ask and follow :)

Visiting University of applied science Mikkeli

Project team

Monday was a long day, mostly sitting, listening, debating and learning. Luckily we had Jekku ("stress ball") that Mari brought with her. Thank you Mari! She brough kind of yoga pad for the chairs as well. It was a bless!!! I guess everyone loved Jekku. It was thrown to a person when someone noticed it is a "crucial" moment and we need to stand up and do little exercise :) 

Lunch. Lots of food. Again. :) no nappy time after lunch. Work. We got some special visitors (experts in different areas concerning our project. One of them was a lovely Finnish lady who had a presentation about culture of experimentation).

Steering committee meeting 

When work day ended we had opportunity to try nordic walk. It was a great experience for me. I was always thinking this is kind of boring thing. Walking. I actually felt whole upper body, well I have had intense upper body work out the day before, but still I think this is a great exercise and especially outdoor activity. Another lesson for me, not to judge before trying! Experimentation, here we go again!

Dinner. Foooood again? Yes. And delicious. International partners enjoyed the food and were really excited about going to sauna and swimming in the frozen lake :D I kinda skipped that one.

Sauna is always a good idea. I really enjoyed talking with people, getting to know them better and listening to their stories. Everyone has so much experiences on professional levels it was a great opportunity to share, ask and learn. The only problem was - the kick off seminar was to short :( 

At some point we have started to talk about Eurovision song contest :) and since then I was listening Fly on the wings of love on repeat :D you can noticed I was talking with Danish people :) could not say much about Slovenian artist since they have never won. I always loved this cultural exchange conversations.

Fly on the wings of LOVE :)

(link if you just started to feel like listening to this ever classic)

What is the best thing to do after sauna? SLEEP.

Goodnight.

Tuesday 21st of February, 8.00 a.m.

Good morning.

Everyone really tired, but still smilling. Maybe you can not noticed from the blog, but previous day we had started seminar at 7.20 a.m. just with food breaks till evening. Just to justified why I am keep saying we were tired :) I dont know why I always feel like I need to justified something. Nevermind.

Seminar continued. Planning. New ideas. Budget review. Next meeting: Latvia.

I could use 30 pages to write all about what I have learned during two days. I have always enjoyed working on the international projects on different topics. And I got few ideas what I am going to work on in the future :) I am really looking forward to that. And of course to be part of #villagesonmove!

In my point of view best part of the seminar was just before saying goodbye and getting all those hugs mentioned in the beginning of the blog, visiting nursing home. Old people have really special place in my hearth and I am really happy I have this awareness inside of me :) they are all grandparents for me. I got new friend Kalle. We went for a walk. He was very lovely, when I asked him if he feels cold (it was maybe -5 degrees, but windy). Nooo way, was his answer. "Aha, you are Finnish", was my response. :)

I was proud of myself managing talking decent Finnish with him :) this voluntary part of the kick off seminar was a detail, but everyone enjoyed. I am volunteer since I was 15 years old. This is always going to be part of my life. About volunteering I was writing in some previous blogs and I will write more in the future. I think that actually we are all volunteers in a different ways :) but more next time. I feel I was writing whole afternoon, and if someone is reading this, I hope you did not get bored :) but if you did, I didnt :D 

My new friend Kalle

But it is time to say goodbye.  I got hugs and Danish partners got Fazer chocolate candies for the long way back home.

See you soon!

Petra

Dreams, life and my 59 flights around the world

My 59 flights around the world

I have entered the air craft and automatically said Terve, to flight attendant at the doors. Well I have entered the Finnair air craft so lets say its kinda appropriate to say Hy in finnish J or I just wanted to do it so. Mostly finnish people on the board I would say.

Its so funny how I just started to think whole my life, at particular moment sitting on the plane, direction Helsinki. In last year many things have changed. Well I have also rebook my flight so im flying back to Finland two weeks earlier than planned. Anyway at some moment I just felt like I need to do it. No much questions. Changed dates of my exam and send my master thesis to my mentor and ready to go. Anyway I need to flight back to Slovenia in three weeks to do this final exam and defense my thesis (I have more peace in Finland so I can study there was just a good excuse).

What I was thinking was that I am sitting on the plane again, that I have been sitting on the planes so many times before. No I will try to remember all flight I have taken in last 8 years. I as have say many times before I need to repeat myself again, because I just get this overwhelming feeling, that I am actually flying all over the world, changing and conquering the world in many ways. And I am only 25 years old (some grey hairs once in a while).

This have start many years ago at primary school, at geography lessons when we were getting to know world and countries and cultures, when I was spending hours to read about travelling, about different cultures, about countries and dreaming. I was a day dreamer. I was dreaming how Im travelling, how Im packing my bags, how I meet new people, how I get lost discovering new cities, how I look sunset at beach of Pacific ocean… My wish to learn and share was just growing and growing. At the beginning of my journey I have feeling this is gonna stay just a dream. I actually didn’t feel like I am able to see, feel and experience the world and share my smile all around. It just seemed like nice escape for my huge imagination.

(What If I would work as flight attendant on Helsinki – Ljubljana Finnair flights – just random thought at the moment :D )

Well and today looking back, I will just say. I wanted something, I went and I got it. PERIOD. But behind this sentence there is hidden a lot of work, a lot. At some point you need to choose or new bag and party with friends or new cheap flight ticket. First of all u need money, since my family is not  rich I needed to work to afford this kinda of lifestyle (my clothes, bags and make up all together are less then few hundred euros, my car was second hand etc… so by lifestyle I mean being on the road :D) well I have work as a student any work u can imagine. Selling, phone selling, cleaning, at bar, different shops, hostess, promotor, project manager, marketing, youth mentor…sometimes it was easy money sometimes not at all, but almost everything went to my learning and education and also helping my parents with bills and things. I can easily say that travelling was best lesson so far, since I have learned a lot out there in streets of Mexico City or from random geisha in Tokyo.

So what I am really trying to say, kinda blabla all about how hard it is. That is worth it. Even crying at the moment, cause I get it that by the hard work and believing in myself I did. I was living my dreams. My little curly girl dreams. I did it. I just got it. The feeling that was here all the time, in all 59 flights all over the world I have survived.

But the question in my mind that just crossed my mind is, what is next? Did I complete my dreams and just became middle age silly woman who wants to settle down? I think some part of my dreams I did. Cause I still cant believe I really was flying all over the world, meet so many new people, cultures and countries. I did.

But maybe I am thinking now about new bigger dreams, since I been living part of them in last years? I will never stop to travel. That’s for sure. But now if I think it through yes I have new dreams. Ofc to travel more and more every year. Dreams of living and working in a new country, one of my favourite song will describe this country “as the farthest corner of the world”. Well I fell in love with Finland in many ways, even thou I still hate part of it (salmiaki :D), and my knowledge of finnish language is really basic, I have a dream. I want to live and work in Finland, I want to speak finnish fluently in some years, I want to do another master degree in Finland and learn from their education system. I also want to write a book. A real book. Myb more than just one.

After this I want to share my experience and knowledge all around the world, I want to help people who need help and I want to love people because each of us deserves love, a lot of love. And especially I want to understand people and show them I care. Because I do. And I promise I will. I want to listen and share. And smile, because I know I can. And this is not connected to where I live or work is connected with how I feel.

Im sending you greatings from sky, the screen is showing we are above Poland at the moment. Should be landing at Helsinki in an hour or so.

Petra Muri

“Finland changed me forever. And I’ll never forget the brightest and darkest land.”

Terve, hellow, serbus :D

that the titlle sounds bit international or so...well last two weeks in Finland and I am already sad, frustrated etc...actually Finnair reminded me so yesterday by sending me email, to remind me about my flight back home. But the question in my mind last day is - where is my home now?

I need to be honest, to say I feel really down last days. Soo much emotions inside, I cant focus to anything. I dont even know why...

“Home wasn't a set house, or a single town on a map. It was wherever the people who loved you were, whenever you were together. Not a place, but a moment, and then another, building on each other like bricks to create a solid shelter that you take with you for your entire life, wherever you may go.” (this quote can describe how I feel at particular moment)

It has been a while since I have been writting my blog. Well even thou writting is still my favourite hobby, last few weeks has been hectic at all levels :D not that i am complaining, but i needed to put my life in order somehow (I didnt manage at all), meaning I prepared dispozition of my master thesis and finally decided I want to stay in Finland, like forever :D

The work here was simply amazing. I have learned soo much. And I know I have soo much to share with other people, in my case kids and youngsters. I want to do this forever, and this is how I will grow as a person ever single day. (I love to smile) :P
I was looking and searching for internships and similar projects, to stay another year, and really learn the language and find a dream job :) that I have now, but july is dangerously approaching and my EVS is ending. But hey, every ending has new begging so, Suomi get ready :) or should I say Petra get ready?
I dont want to say goodbye to any of amazing person I have met here. Really. And I wont, but even if I do so, my goodbye will mean see you soon. Same it went with my family and closest people when I left Slovenia in august. (Well lets forget about crying like a little baby at the airport) but well at least I have learned what my mother said, being far away will also show who are people who are meant to be in your life, the real people.

Lately i have been thinking a lot about different relationships we have in life. Why? I dont even know why, but i found out some facts, funny, sad and real. As human being in society, we all have some relationships (well im not saying it goes for all people same, but for some) normally first relationship we build with our family. Myb for majority is also the most important, because of reason that is first. Well also a lot of insecurities and traumas came from this very first relationship, but also our strenghts and advantages can be build based on family relationship. For me it goes both way, well now when im getting old I can easily find more positive things out of every relationship I have had in life.
After 10 months being away from all daily relationships I normally have with my friends and family, i have changed to be honest. My thinking have changed. Some of my relationships also changed. But i have learned a lot.

And even thou I feel like writting whole night tonight, I will put just few words, that made my life amazing. And I will always be proud of myself i took risk and do this voluntary year abroad in foreing land (I know some think is not big deal for me because of travelling around the world before, but it was, really big, cause this was living away, what is totally different from travelling).

Nina CPM and Janne, my bosses, better say my mentors, my teachers...not just about work, but about life. Thank you is myb to little, but what can I say, you have changed my life.Thank you for opportunity and for believing in me :)

Mom, dad, granda and my bro...well thank you for all support. See you soon, better prepare my favourite food ;)

Friends for life. Kristijan,Nina,Sara,Miha,MatejŠ,Ines,Polonca,Polonca,Magda,skoraj poročena Jana in Jure...they were ups and downs, but u were there right when and needed u the most :)

Finnish rainbow. All amazing people I have meet. All kids and youngsters I was working with. All work collegues. All friends (after this time I can really call some people here friends, saying me who has trust issues...yes saying me) and also that special person I share sth special with <3
all moments we spent together - btw u all own a visit in sLOVEnia at some point :D so you can try maami and all our delicious food :P haha

And Finland itself. Snow and dark. Rain and too much light at some point. Bad roads and good educational system. Shy and nahttps://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=3681175955086302204#editor/target=post;postID=8963152194833074314ked people. Expensive alcohol. Weird food habits. Saunas. Forests. Sometimes in the middle of the nowhere, but in my heart.

 View from Neulamaki tower - 10 minutes walk from my place :)

Kiss for all of u, who believe in me :)

The moment when you know...yes that moment :)

Well yeah, after 25 years (and few months) this moments finally came. By this moment i mean, this moment - when you just know. It probaly sounds stupid but yes i know. But know what? A lot of things i mean...but this one thing i was looking for last few years. When you discover yourself. Your weakness, your strenghts, when you look for meaning, when you fall few times, but still find strenght to move on. When i realized how fast life is going by. Yes years were passing by, i was looking for myself, during my studies at university, during my work all around, during parties, during travelling the world, during ups and downs with relationships, during love affairs and that kind of stuff. Then i moved to Finland, to do one year EVS project, well with no specific reason, ofc i wanted to try myself in work i thought is for me. And as i would say for Finland - in the middle of the nowhere i would be just bored mostly of time. But hey, no way. As this quote is sayin : “Sometimes you find yourself in the middle of nowhere and sometimes in the middle of nowhere you find yourself.” well here it goes for me. In the middle of the nowhere in Finland i find myself. How it comes? Well i guess it was just some point of the my growing process in life. It was breaking point, literally in the middle of the nowhere. As my work here with youngsters we went to few days camp near to some national park in Finland. Civilization was far away. Even thou we took youngsters phones and other devices, i was having my own battle without wifi and so. But yes, we spend amazing days with youngsters. I noticed how they are changing, how they are growing, how full of life they are. This are angry kids with sad stories, but i find soo much potential in every single one of them. We disscuss that, we talked, work together and laugh. We all look into ourselves. And we all learned from each other. I get the point of work with kids and youngsters. I noticed my strenght and weakness. I connected with two amazing youth workers, i can always cooperate and learn from. Sometimes is hard to explain feelings, we have deep down. My feelings now are on the one hand soo complicated, but on the other soo simple. I know how and where i want to spend the rest of my life. And i think i find perfect job for me. I know things is going to get hard as fuck, cause of other issues (finnish language for example, all youngsters around the world i want to work with etc...) but when i look in life, how fast the seasons are changing, how fast the kids are growing, how fast the dark gets into daylight, how little things make me happy. When i noticed, how shor actually life is, things and people i love, then decision is not that hard. I will fight for things that make me happy. I finally find the work that doesnt feel like work at all. Its style of life and the way. I just finished working on application for youth exchange in octuber, that was mine idea, even thou i dont have experience, but i had motivation. With so much encouraging and positive feedback, that im just smiling.
And now im saying goodbye, and not for long, cause some part of my life will always be writting -
with sparkle in my eyes,
muri

p.s this is are the consequences of camp with youngsters :D (better dont ask)

“Of all the questions I have asked my readers this is the most important: What would you do if you weren't afraid? When you finally give wings to that answer then you have found your life's purpose.”
― Shannon L. Alder

“There is always something to lose. But maybe more to gain.”

I just cam home from my workshops with "problematic" youngster i occasionally work with. We end up talking about homeless people. Even thou the purpose of workshop was different. When i was leaving the school, they asked : "when are u coming again?" first few times when i started to work with them, were hard. I was kinda giving up, they didnt listen anything, they just didnt care about anything. They didnt even want to meet me, to know my name and basic shit. It was like, well being here is pointless. And i was thinking what can i do? The easy way would be to say to my boss i wont work with them anymore. (its nature of my work here i can say this) and then i started to think, why i am here today? Why i come that far? Being able to moved to other country, to travel, to study, to live, to love...why? Because when i needed support i got it. Especially being to honest to say i was problematic kid most of time. My parents they didnt give up. Never! And this is why I am here. So the answer to my question was clear. I wont give up. I will be there, with and for them. Without ever trying to changed them. And today after few months i realized, to taking the bit harder way is worth it. It is not about changing people, it is not about forcing things, its more about trying to understand, being open and show your own mistakes and fears, well to share in general. Today they made me happy, just by simple question. Showing me they want to spend time with me. Of course in life i will fall many more times, but this are small moments, that show me, im on the right way. I am living my dreams. Step by step. Finding out what i really want to do in my life. Falling and flying.

Last weeks i was bit depressed lets say. Just because my life came to point, where things are getting harder. Where life decisions are about to take. Well is not easy, especially when I need to decided about my future, not just about which country I am planing to visit next. When I think about my family, about my friends and all road ive done till now. But being able to make decision, to have an options already should make me happy, but obviously i need few weeks to realized that. There is many people around the world without that chance. Soo :)
Spending days feeling sorry to myself, because i have to decide something? Well no, not anymore. I dont want to forget how to smile!
Which ever road i take, is not going to be easy. Thats the only thing im sure about. And being close or being far away is something i have learned is not so important any more.
"Distance means so little, when someone means soo much" if im not happy by myself i can not make happy others. Thats is. And sometimes means being far away, follow your own dreams. I have learned that i am the only person i can really rely on. Going trough ups and downs...being disapointed by others so many times, just by trusting them is my own mistake.
So i am ready for new adventure. I made my decision. Today. No looking back, only looking forward.
Thank you Noora, for support and for believing in me. Now i start to believe in myself again!

I find a place where i want to live, at least for some years from now on. To learn and to grow. To prove to myself I can! To show to myself im worth it. To fight and to win. But especially to be.

Im finally calm.

Looking back or looking forward?

Thats the only thing on my mind lately :)

Today we start with this skiing holiday week, what means our youth center is open every day for kids and youngsters to enjoy their holidays doing different activities. Siting in the office looking directly into hall where two girls are running around and playing made me think about my childhood about the how we were spending holidays and bringing back memories about all this people we were going together trough that times...where they are? which road did they take? Remembering all our little moments when we disscuss about future, our wishes. Road of life normally takes us to the different places, to take different lesson... i was just wondering if there is a chance to meet all this people again, to make some event like childhood memories night, where we all would meet and remember our moments when we were just kids running and playing around...myb just a wish or realistic idea? I dont know, but i can try :)
This going back over and over again is starting to annoy me a bit. I know im always doing that in particular time, when i should be looking just forward. But is kinda my little escape like avoiding decisions i need to make. Yes, quilty as charged. But somehow this going back, pretending to be child again makes life easier at some point. Im always saying that little escapes are good. But when everything comes to a point when present becomes past is not good anymore. And i now is time  to focus on present, building the future.

Tell me something new :D "Sometimes you find yourself in the middle of the nowhere, but sometimes in the middle of the nowhere you find yourself"  story of my life i could say. My mother was always saying dont say things out to loud at the end you always do whatever you said u would never do :) soo back in 2013 i was travelling to Finland, just for a week to do European youth capital project in Helsinki. Short trip was nice, but really nothing special, my comment to was...whatever i think i will never go to Finland again. Not thinking too much about this country after i was doing my regular things back home, studies, work and travelling.

At some point i decided i wanna do this one year voluntary project somewhere in Europe. I was thinking about Austria or Germany, like still close to home so i can visit every month and i can learn german, one thing to do on my bucket list. Then i went to Japan, discovered totally new culture, that made me feel different and happy. Back to Slovenia some interesting project in Finland pop out. Hmm first thought was like no way, even though the project sound really good i wasnt really sure, and Finland is soo far away and there is no sun etc.. at the end im here. Living my dreams. I learned is not about the weather, is the thing i cant change. Is about me, my views and attitude towards life. I found sun inside of me, inside every smile i get from the kids and youngsters im working with. Even i found sun in dark places. In finnish nature, sometimes even in finnish food :) travelling and moving to other country has nothing in common. Now i can say. I kinda judge country based on one week experience, but i gave it second chance...and from now on yes everything and everybody deserve second chance...(ok not in every single case)...and i need to say second chance was f* worth. I have learned a lot, (not the language yet!), but i will, cause i want to. And i want to look forward with occasionally moments looking back, being happy to follow my dreams, and build my life, on different roads, that leads to different places and people :)
but the one thing i always will, i promise to myself! i will always carry one thing with me : SMILE :)

And yes dear readers from all over the world, i will make this event called "childhood memories night" and im sure it will turn into endless night :)

love, muri